BLE: Day 6

I have headaches still. They get worse at night and are dull during the day. I've read this is normal, and that it is probably my body getting used to a lower blood sugar level. I am going to try to schedule a acupuncture appointment to see if that relieves it.
There are multiple times when I've been snacky, a few times when I've felt hungry, but overall, it has been an easier transition than I expected.
I wish I could say that I go to bed and wake up amazing the next morning, full of energy and clear minded. Perhaps that is in the future. I still feel fairly tired and the headache is a B.

The new thing

Hi,
It's been a while.

About 2 months ago I listened to a podcast and it really hit home for me. I related to the interviewee and appreciated the science she offered to back up what she was presenting. Welcome,

Bright Line Eating.

So here I am, day two on this journey. Lots has happened between my last post and today, but maybe that doesn't matter for now.

Here's what I have committed to:

1. Bright line eating for 100 days (March 10, 2018)
2. Strictly following this eating plan which includes:

• no flour
• no sugar or sweeteners
• 3 meal times and no snacking between
• portioning out the food at each meal

3. Reaching out for support daily. (This could include blogging, instagramming, a Facebook group for BLE, or two friends that have agreed to be my accountability partners)

I finished the BLE book today and honestly, I still feel hesitant. I feel like I could perhaps fail again. This seems like a big challenge. Parts of BLE goes against my way of seeing nutrition, but then again I don't really know how to categorize nutrition for 1) healthy normal weight people versus 2) overweight people. I'm certainly in that second category and the 80/20 philosophy hasn't been working for me. 

So here are some stats. Because I'm a numbers/graph gal, duh. 

Heaviest: 283 (January 2011)

Current: 233.8 (Yesterday, November 30, 2017)

100 day Goal: 199  (March 10, 2018)

Interested in joining me? Want to be my accountability in some way? Comment or message me. :) 

byebye

HY

6/1/2017

Just realized it's JUNE.

Yesterday I was proud of myself. Yesterday was better.

I was much more mindful than I normally am, and found myself being WAY more gracious. I had the same old craving all day... sugar or a snack. Normally I would respond by just going to the cupboard and grabbing the first yummy thing. Yesterday I noticed an interesting process. I would capture the craving and then think, "ugh! Why am I craving this again!?" Like, it was really annoying that I would keep having to battle. I do think that was a somewhat positive start, because instead of just diving in to that chocolate, I would stop myself. But, then I noticed that too was a negative reaction, and remembered that I wanted to be gracious to myself. So later in the day my reaction looked more like this: "Ok, why might I be having this craving?" I noticed that maybe half the time I was in or just coming out of a stressful situation, and then the other 50% was not induced by stress. Just plain old wanting a hit.

One time yesterday Charlie asked "So, how's your day?" What a wonderful moment.

Today I have lots planned. Full schedule. All positives, but I still want to stay on track the best I can.

Goals: 

Be gracious to myself
Drink water
Eat salad for dinner (going out with girls)

ps: I packed the scale yesterday... so that's kinda nice. Forcing myself to not know my weight.  Next time I step on that will be in 2 weeks in our new home. 

May 31, 2017- Wednesday morning on the porch with the boys

I'm forcing myself to write some thoughts this morning. We are moving in less than a week, and I have a shit ton to do, but I think this is important for my mental health.

I had my last appointment with Tia yesterday. Oh, how helpful it was to just verbalize my feelings to someone for an hour. She was a great listener, and surprised me with how much she could help. Before I went to my first appointment with her, I had it in my head that I probably wouldn't absorb much from a conventional-style health coach. I'm glad I was wrong. Out of all the sessions with Tia, I hope to remember these things I learned with her:

• Be gracious to myself as I would be to someone else telling me their similar situation
• Be realistic with myself. Setting the bar too high often ends up in what I see as failure, resulting in me feeling shitty about myself. 
• Mindfulness 

So now, as we are just days from a huge change in our lives, I'm going to try my absolute best to set a few goals out:

• Set alarm to wake up before the kids 
• Look for one moment of mindfulness or solitude each day 
• When we eat out, order the healthiest option available
• Think about if I'm really hungry or not before I eat a meal
• Keep my water jar on the counter filled up

Didn't work out

Today was a hard day. It started when I went to bed last night with a baby that had a pretty high fever. Then at 2:30am I hear Steffen puking. I'm up every two hours with Waylon. I wake up to face the day feeling tired. Not how I want to start out my day and new week.

Steffen comes home from work around 10. I'm happy he came home, but it's hard to 1) keep the boys quiet while he sleeps off his sickness and 2) difficult to keep explaining to them why daddy can't come play.

Waylon doesn't take his morning nap.

He does go down for his afternoon nap around 12:30, and Charles and I get to spend some time outside raking leaves and playing in his sandbox. Definitely the brightest part of my day.

I take Waylon to his 1 year doctor's appointment. Dr. tells me he's hasn't gained much weight and that I should come back to do a second weight check. This makes me feel upset. Next, Dr. affirms to me how great of a mom I am to my boys, but how he also thinks I put too much pressure on myself. He's about the fourth or tenth person that has said something like this in the last month. We had to end his conversation abruptly, and it left me in (healthy) tears wanting to continue the convo. Feeling really emotional. I talked to Dr. about moving, and didn't really get to tell him how much I love and admire and appreciate him in my life.

I get home and Steffen is still feeling sick.

I ask Frank and Cher if I can come over to hang so Steffen can have more quiet house sleep.

I go over and feel loved and appreciated and cared about.

Today I was supposed to work out, but you know what? Eff that. I am not going to listen to the voice inside my head that is beating me down telling me what I didn't accomplish today. I didn't work out, and it's effing ok.

Health Coach

I've been seeing a health coach (her name's Tia) for about a month now. Seeing her is a free service for Purdue employee families, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. Turns out she's so much more helpful than what I expected I would find.

I am realizing/remembering I do really well with accountability. Like, face to face, not myself or my husband accountability. When she asks me my goals for the week and then asks me to rate how important they are to me or how confident I feel I will accomplish them, I feel something. Something inside me that I don't feel when I give myself a pep talk, or when I text a friend what my goals are for the day.

So last week my goals that I made with her was to commit for two weeks to not eat sugar and also to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes minimum.

When I went in today to talk with her, I went in feeling like I failed. I did eat sugar. Once. That's what my mind focused on. My mind focused on the one negative pice. I met my other goal, and Tia was like "why are you upset with yourself?! You just met your goal for 13 out of the last 14 days!"

She pointed out that I am a very empathetic, sympathetic, accepting person to all around me. Nice of her to say that. But then she said, "So why can't you show that same kindness to yourself?"

Woah.

I really didn't think my sessions with her would be this helpful.

So now I'm chewing on that.

Goals this week:
maximum one serving of a sugar food the entire week
minimum two at home strength training workouts this week

reward:
After completing strength training twice a week for four consecutive weeks, I'd like to treat myself to swimming lessons at the co rec.

Note to self:
You can do this, Hannah. You are capable. You are not beyond control. You can set goals and meet them. Remember, it's a goal, not a blood sworn oath. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, and have grace for when you fall short. You're an imperfect human.

Stomach Ache

I am still on the no sugar boat. But, I'm having some disturbing trouble now. My stomach has been aching the last few days and I have had some really nasty smelling gas. Yeah. Gross. I did some research and apparently pretty much any symptom is normal with sugar withdrawal. I'm still on board, and I'm still motivated, but I am so curious why on earth my stomach is hurting. I'm literally wondering if maybe there are little bacterias that used to feed off of sugar and now they are dying because they have nothing to eat. Haha. Mrs. Frizzle would know.

Day one

I have officially gone more than 24 hours with no sugar. It's hard! I am so surprised how many times I thought (dreamed) about having some chocolate. I'm guessing that before I never realized how much it crossed my mind without taking that thought into account and just diving right into my stash.

Sugar

I've been thinking about trying to live without sugar for a year.

It would be something that on paper I literally CAN do.

So why not? Why not try to do something that would be difficult for me that is not going to cost a weekly membership (money) or any large amount of extra time (both of which I am constantly running low on), but would most likely be so rewarding to my health?

Thoughts have come into my head that are discouraging me from it- like, can I REALLY live without chocolate? Or, can I really stop eating so many granola bars? (< but they're healthy!)

I tried to get outside of my head and look large scale....

Yes.

I don't NEED sugar. I don't NEED chocolate.

I am addicted. When I am in a stressful situation I look to food for a relief. The other day I locked the kids in the van. Once I got them out, in bed for naps, and had a moment to take a breath, I realized I had eaten half a bar of chocolate during that whole ordeal. Like half of one of those huge bars that you buy for your family to share for a week.

I started looking into a plan today. I think I'm convincing myself that I should do it, but I want to have some boundaries lined up. I know sugar wears multiple masks, but I feel uneducated on what is actually ok. Do I cut out fruit juice? Even from my juicer? Do I cut out honey? What do I do when I'm invited to someone's house for dinner that is making spaghetti?

So here are some things I would like to start researching:

• What are the affects of sucrose, fructose, and glucose on my body? 
• Would using a glucometer be helpful in determining what foods are ok for my body? (I'm thinking specifically with fruit). 
• What about alcohol? Kombucha? 
• How could I include our boys in this, and would it at all be harmful to them to eliminate any of these sweeteners? 

Minimalist

I had this AHA! moment a few days back that’s been impacting for a while now.

I broke down the other day and messaged some friends for some emotional support. I’ve been feeling so frustrated with not having time for all my priorities. Like important priorities! Steffen, Waylon, Charles, health, making nutritious meals, friendships, finances, housekeeping… you know. I was thankful to my trusty friends that all pretty much said this: you can’t do it all.

I hate hearing that. But it’s true.

Fast forward a few days.

I was listening to The Minimalists podcast and they had a question come in about priorities. One of the guys said that so many people say they have all these priorities but yet their lives don’t reflect it.

Woah!

I looked at my own list and was hit in the face. I have been saying for the last three years that health is my priority, but really, is it? How is it obvious that it’s my priority? Am I actually limiting and controlling food that goes in my mouth? Am I making time to exercise? Am I removing things from my life that are inhibiting me from reaching my health goals?

I sat down and journaled a little bit and created two lists: 1) what I say my priorities are, and 2) what the recent past reveals my priorities are.  I am mostly proud of what my priorities are, especially since I truly think most days reflect a huge effort of time to prioritize my boys and my husband. But after making those lists, I realized that I definitely don’t make health a priority, and social media is taking up space where time for exercise or meal prep could be.

So, action plan:

• Maybe wake up an hour before the boys and do a quick work out three times a week?
• Minimize social media browsing to one time slot per day, like maybe just before bed or something.
• Remember my mantra:  “Every day I have the choice to prioritize my health by controlling what goes in my mouth.” 

TRX Work Outs

I find it so interesting that warmer weather inspires me to eat better and be more active. Probably because I've been cooped up all winter and will take any chance to get out to inhale some fresh air. So inspiring.

So Steffen has lost about 30lbs in the last 6 months or so. The last few he has gone up and down some, but he is at least keeping it all off.

I have been inspired by him, and it's just easier to lose weight when those around you are like minded. We have been doing home work outs with the TRX suspension straps. Who knew you could be sooooo exhausted from those?!

I battle quite a bit every day actually starting my work out. I try to get it in during Charlie's first morning nap, but I REALLY have to psyche myself into it. I'm soooo good at making excuses! But I just finished the THIRD week in a row of doing TRX workouts every other day. I'm proud of myself! I've lost about 6-8 lbs this month. Pretty cool.

Our eating has been super clean. Barely any simple starchy carbs. Mostly veggies and meat. I'm trying to incorporate more vegetarian meals and more than one vegetable serving at meal times if we do have meat.

I still struggle with sweets. Wanting WAY more chocolate than I should.

We watched a documentary, Fed Up the other night. That was infuriating and inspiring all in one. I am determined to help Charlie with the best start nutritionally. I am motivated to help him understand food and explain why we eat what we do.

Onward!

Right

Back to check in.

Have been getting better with my food intake. Found a good balance with processed sugar (only eating dark chocolate) for a month. With this goal in mind, it’s easier to say no when I go places that have dessert.  I’m proud of myself, which is nice to feel again… even if it’s such a small victory. And even when I’m at home alone and find myself wanting something sweet, I go to the fridge and maybe have a few bites of unsweetened apple sauce or some grapes. I know those are high in sugar, but for now I need to SLOWLY get back down to the 30g/day range.

I have stayed right at 217-220 the last week or so, but I feel so much better now that I have cut out processed sugars. My goal is to be down to 215 by the end of this month. Also, Steffen and I have done phenomenal with our financial goals. I am so thankful for a like-minded husband.

I am still having a hard time finding time to exercise. I don’t want to make excuses though! I reminded myself that even walking a couple miles every day is ok! It’s better than doing NOTHING, right?

Right.

Keeping My Word

On July 20th, Steffen and I decided to sit down and make some goals for ourselves. Both financial and weight loss goals. They sort of go hand in hand so that's why I think I should incorporate both here.


Financial:
-Spend NOTHING on extras... including coffee, fast food, restaurants, cute clothes for Charlie, home improvements...
-While not spending, try to save $1000. Every time we reach $250 saved, we get to go out to eat.


Weight loss:
-whoever loses 5lbs first wins $10.
-Each time one of us reaches that goal, we both start the race again.


I am a goal oriented person, and Steffen is motivated when I am motivated. So this has been working! So far in the last two weeks, we haven't spent ANY extra moolah, and on Tuesday, we both hit the -5lb mark! Cha Ching!


I'm really excited to start this together. Our life has completely changed, and I want to remember to give us room to make mistakes so that we can find a new normal with our son.


At the end of this month I am going out to Seattle with my mom to introduce all of her side of the fam to Charlie. I'm so excited, but still nervous at the same time. None of them have seen me since 2010 (the year I was the heaviest in my life). They all know I've lost weight, and I'm sure will be really proud. But when I look in the mirror, I don't feel proud. I see that lingering baby belly.


Ok. But Hannah, you've already lost 5lbs!!!


I love how when I have a plan/goal I am normally successful... or at least I am pretty good at keeping my word. I hate losing! I'm competitive! My goal is to lose another 5 by the time we leave. I have to remember to be careful with the rate at which I lose weight because I'm breastfeeding. Don't want that milk supply to dip. We are a team!


Okeydokey. Life is calling me back to work.

Southwestern stuffed green peppers

It's not carb free, but it is healthy and delicious and affordable. I quickly prepped these guys during Charlie's noon nap time. Woot!!! 

A Year.

June 10th, 2013 was the last time I blogged. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could look back through my blog and find that less than a month after that last entry I found out I was pregnant and continued to stay healthy until my little sweet angel was born.

Nope.

I tried. I was determined to eat healthy and exercise accordingly throughout all three semesters. The first trimester was good! I continued to do my spin class and found myself passing up all those weird cravings. Second trimester was rocky. I gave in to that voice of "you're pregnant, go ahead and have more!" I tried to push it aside, but really, it wasn't just coming from my head. Even my co workers were telling me that I should maybe think about eating more than my usual spinach salad for lunch since I had little one inside. Third trimester. Fail. big time. Thanksgiving and Christmas came with all their carbalicious gifts that I had no trouble persuading myself to try. And of course, Mr. Winter makes it very difficult for a pregnant woman to exercise outside. I was really good at making excuses. I've done this before.

The day I delivered, I was 32lbs heavier (230) then 9 months prior. After delivery and a few days of shedding water weight, I got down to 215. Hey, 15lbs isn't so bad! I know how to do this!

But I had another excuse. I'm breastfeeding, so I need to eat more than usual. 500 calories to be exact. I'll give myself some room for failure here- a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant and a woman who just delivered a child who she is now breastfeeding DOES have a lot to figure out in the nutrition world. Just sayin.

But the excuses kept coming. People brought us food (THANK YOU!) but not all of it was a healthy choice. So of course I was still going to eat that! WIC gives us tons of milk and cereal. So of course I'll have 2 bowls every morning, and maybe even one during the night between feedings. I was so tired all the time. So of course I didn't have time to make healthy meals from scratch.

Today my sweet child is 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS have passed since I birthed him into this world. He is my love. He is my sweetheart. He is my joy. When I go get him from his crib in the morning, he gives me a fresh, smiling start to each day And what am I doing for him? Setting a horrible example of how to stay healthy. He has an unhealthy mom.

I don't fit into any of my clothes nicely. I have MAYBE five shirts that don't draw attention to my waistline tire. I now have to wear skirts to work because they are elastic. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel confident. I don't feel healthy. I don't feel proud of my health accomplishments.

I have let down myself, my husband, my child, my family who believed in me, my trainer who dedicated and practically volunteered to help me, my friends who encouraged me…. on and on the list goes. I feel so guilty.

But yet, a part of me still has hope. The way I felt a year ago still lingering in my heart. I know what I can accomplish. I know I can win battles. I know I am competitive and will race myself to win. I know so much about nutrition. I know I don't have to be a 200lb lady. I know I can be a healthy example for my children. I know I can set goals and achieve them. I know how to be determined.

Cheese

I've been maintaing for about 4 months now. At the beginning of March I was 206 and currently the lowest I've clocked is 197. Comparatively speaking, that's the slowest weight loss rate I've seen (the most I lost in a month was 12lbs). It's refreshing to maintain. I've got more to lose, and a certainly plenty of areas to tone, but I've never been at a point where I'm comfortable enough to just stick around the same weight for a bit.

My goal a few months ago was to find some mental balance, and I think I've had success. I am no longer counting calories, I only weigh myself a few times a week (coming down from 14 times a week), and I allow myself to have a variety of foods. Now, one might think "well, you're not losing and isn't that bad!?" Nope. I'm totally ok with it. In fact, I'm gaining. Gaining confidence and a healthy mental perspective on weight loss/nutrition, and it feels GREAT.

Throughout my climb towards health, I'll be honest to admit that it hasn't been what I thought; health is much more of a battle than what I thought it would be. Once I'd reach the end of really tough goals I set, (you know, a 5k, or 12 weeks w/ a personal trainer, or 2 months of Paleo shizz) I'd discover that there are so many more battles for me to fight! And they're hard. Every one of them in a different way (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially). But I look at it like this (and here comes the cheese): I started at the bottom of Mt. Yazvac, made up of tons of tiny hills to climb. The first hill was hard, the second hill was a little harder, and on and on I go. But with each hill, the peak of Mt Yazvac in clearer sight with the final ascent in reach. Along the way I continue to shed garbage, which makes the hardest, steepest, most intense hills actually attainable for me to summit. If I were still battling the mental/physical health that I started with, I could not succeed at the peaks I'm challenged at now.

I'm fired up to reach that peak!!!!

March 2012   -   June 2013

Feel

I set a goal a few months back to get under 200lbs by my one year anniversary of working out. I had 19lbs to lose starting January 1st, and had 60 days to reach the goal. Certainly something I've already succeeded at, so it was a reasonable goal. Not easy, but doable.

I failed.

I lost 11lbs the first month, and 7lbs the second month, in the end coming 2lbs short of my goal.
That last day I practically starved myself from all nutrition, in an effort to make my goal. I maybe had 400 calories. While at work that day, I couldn't even focus on my daily tasks. I only could focus on asking myself if I was doing everything possible to lose weight that day. I came home that night and was a nervous wreck to go to bed because the next morning meant I would step on the scale that displayed my results.

Two days post-goal-date, I found myself having a conversation with my husband which turned out to be mentally healing. We talked about my recent failures, and after a good long cry, I made some goals that I said out loud to him for accountability sake:

• Stop recording my calories. 
• Stop stepping on the scale more than once a day.
• Find out how to maintain a healthy state of mind and body.

Since then I've gained 2-4lbs. 

This may seem like it's not working, but actually is. I'm learning to put away the numbers (on the scale, on the calorie counter, on the treadmill), and just FEEL. 

What feels healthy? 

What feels bloated?

What feels like a good exercise? 

What feels tight? 

What feels full?

What feels strong?

What feels overwhelming?

With each week, even if I gained a pound, I'm learning that's ok, because I want to find out how to maintain this healthy lifestyle by my own emotional AND physical feelings. 

Short

Haven't blogged in a while
Been waiting to publish that wonderland post
Wonderland of less than 200
Not getting there
Upset
Still determined
I was obsessed with health a month ago
Obsessed mentally
Now learning to maintain health
Not as easy to shed
But worth the mental state of mind

D&R Salad

I was inspired by a recent trip to D&R Deli to make this salad on my own. If you haven't been there for lunch, you should make a trip! Healthy, delicious food choices for everyone!

D&R Salad

Ingredients:

(endless opportunities-work with what you love!)

1lb chopped mushrooms

3 hard boiled eggs (chopped)

4 pieces crumbled bacon

1/2 C dried cherries

1/4 C sunflower seeds

1 bag baby spinach

Dressing of choice

Directions:

I like to put everything but the spinach and dressing in one container and make it ahead of time for the week. That way I know my spinach won't wilt, and will stay nice & fresh for a delicious salad. 

Servings: 

About 4 large bowls 

Enjoy!

 

Paleo Dedication

Two days ago I finished out my Paleo fast. I was more than ready to be finished, mostly because half way into February I decided I wasn't going to stay Paleo forever.  A few reasons:

1. I still couldn't get past the whole milk deal. Mammals produce it, but we shouldn't consume it?
2. Grains, historically speaking, have been in the human diet for thousands of years. (mentioned in the Bible as food multiple times!)
3. I started to have a really difficult time digesting. 

I dedicated the Paleo fast to my beloved sister, Jamie, who suffered from a horrible auto-immune disease for over half her life. I only wish she could be here to try it with me.