Feel

I set a goal a few months back to get under 200lbs by my one year anniversary of working out. I had 19lbs to lose starting January 1st, and had 60 days to reach the goal. Certainly something I've already succeeded at, so it was a reasonable goal. Not easy, but doable.

I failed.

I lost 11lbs the first month, and 7lbs the second month, in the end coming 2lbs short of my goal.
That last day I practically starved myself from all nutrition, in an effort to make my goal. I maybe had 400 calories. While at work that day, I couldn't even focus on my daily tasks. I only could focus on asking myself if I was doing everything possible to lose weight that day. I came home that night and was a nervous wreck to go to bed because the next morning meant I would step on the scale that displayed my results.

Two days post-goal-date, I found myself having a conversation with my husband which turned out to be mentally healing. We talked about my recent failures, and after a good long cry, I made some goals that I said out loud to him for accountability sake:

• Stop recording my calories. 
• Stop stepping on the scale more than once a day.
• Find out how to maintain a healthy state of mind and body.

Since then I've gained 2-4lbs. 

This may seem like it's not working, but actually is. I'm learning to put away the numbers (on the scale, on the calorie counter, on the treadmill), and just FEEL. 

What feels healthy? 

What feels bloated?

What feels like a good exercise? 

What feels tight? 

What feels full?

What feels strong?

What feels overwhelming?

With each week, even if I gained a pound, I'm learning that's ok, because I want to find out how to maintain this healthy lifestyle by my own emotional AND physical feelings.